Cognitions of a stranger.

I’ve jotted down some of the things that have been playing on my mind these past few weeks;
– I feel estranged from my family; my parents live on the Gold Coast (450 km), my brother lives in Melbourne (~1850 km). I call them about 2 times a week but only visit once a month.
– I have no physical friends anymore… I only ever see my old friends on facebook through a passive feed of their happy life moments.
– I broke up again, the relationship wasn’t rewarding, I feel like a horrible person for all of it.
– There are things in life that I cannot fix: For the past year now my father has been dealing with psychotic depression, with multiple suicide attempts and is currently in hospital. My mother’s stressed out and I have daily calls worrying about what’s going on and how to plan for an uncertain future.
– I have to deal with the consequences of my own recent failings; I failed a rotation and am looking at a later start to internship than I previously expected.
– Constant presence of negative attitudes: For the past 5 weeks I’ve been listening to other med students delight in reminding me that they’ll be back in Brisbane next year (away from here, with their family and friends). They also ‘feel sorry’ for the next group of unlucky students that I will meet.
– I have no plans for the holidays… 2 months without any fixed goals and that absolutely scares me.
– The immediate future looks frankly bleak; I face another year of being sullen and alone and will be forced to make new friends with strangers.
– I feel unfulfilled; despite living independently  I end up more sad about being lonely…. in fact it’s the loneliest I’ve ever felt and I cannot re frame that.
– I only have myself to blame for how things have ended up.